In Sickness and In Health

I (Justin) am a wimp when it comes to all things related to illness. I hate being sick. I don’t like being around people who are sick. I hate hospitals and doctors offices. I throw up at the sight, sound or smell of vomit. I am not a good person to have near you when you are not feeling well.

Trish is just the opposite. She is sympathetic and nurturing and once caught vomit from a kid in her hands to save it from going on our couch. She is amazing.

For years our marriage struggled when someone was sick. The way we approached illness just put us on different pages. We would often get in arguments or someone would get hurt feelings all over how one of us responded when the other was sick.

Yesterday, Trish had surgery and was admitted to the hospital for a planned and somewhat routine procedure. She came through the surgery well and will take about 3 weeks to recover, but it got me thinking about some adjustments we’ve made in our marriage to help us stay connected when navigating sickness.

Here are three things to keep in mind as you attempt to live out “in sickness and in health.”

1. Speak their illness language.

When Trish is sick, she wants to be left alone and not bothered. She doesn’t want to be taken care of or nurtured. She wants to sleep and not be interrupted. She likes isolation when she is not feeling well. When I am sick, I want to be pampered and loved on and taken care of. I want to be the center of attention and checked on often.

When we first got married, I tried to take care of Trish the way that I like to be taken care of. That didn’t work out well. When I would get sick she’d disappear and never check on me…which is how she likes to be treated when she’s sick. That crushed me.

Learn how your spouse likes to be treated when they are sick and treat them the way they want to be treated not the way you like to be treated when you’re sick.

2. Go beyond what is comfortable.

I hate hospitals. I have a phobia that they are going to hear me cough or look at me and see that I have a disease that they need to admit me to treat. So I don’t like hospitals. But when I was at the hospital with Trish, I am not acting paranoid or nervous. I chose to go beyond my comfort zone and not make her surgery about me.

Marriage isn’t a place for selfish people. Sometimes you have to go beyond what is comfortable for you to serve the needs of your spouse. I definitely don’t always get this right, but the last thing I want to do is make Trish feel guilty for having surgery.

3. Ask for help.

There have been times when our kids were younger and one or two of them were sick or Trish or I were sick and life got stressful and tense. Trish and I would try to do everything ourselves and not ask anyone for help. We’d be exhausted, we’d take out our exhaustion and frustration on each other and wound each other in the process. Then a week later we’d tell a friend how hard those few days were and they’d say, “Why didn’t you call, I would have brought you a meal, watched your kids, done your laundry…etc.”

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wisdom and humility. We weren’t meant to do life alone. When you ask others for help you give them an opportunity to serve you as you try to serve your family. Be willing to ask for help.

“In sickness and in health” isn’t always easy…but it is possible.